Everybody poops. Even at work.
What you heard is true. Everyone poops. Which means nature doesn’t stop calling during the hours of 9 to 5. Going #2 at work is a reality that we all have to face together. Because everyone deserves to enjoy the go. Even Steve from billing.
But how can you enjoy the go if you’re constantly worried about the judgment of coworkers? That’s where we come in. We have some tips, tricks, and office bathroom etiquette that will make pooping at work as easy as peeing at work.
A how-to on how to poo
Before we dive into the good stuff, it’s important to remember that when it comes to pooping, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Eventually, you’ll walk into that public stall and poop with pride. In the meantime, here are some tips to get you there.
Tip #1: Private Bathrooms are key
Seek out the private bathroom you know is out theren probably being pooped in.
Tip #2: Forget the magazine
Walking to the bathroom with a magazine screams, “I’m about to poop and read up on the latest trends!” Leave behind any long form reading material. Remember, you are a strong, independent pooper who don’t need no magazine.
If you must bring reading material into the bathroom, your phone is the way to go. It’s more discreet and you can even #TweetFromTheSeat
Tip #3: It’s all about timing
Be strategic about when you choose to go to the bathroom. Find a time to enjoy the go when everyone seems to be busy doing other things. When you do find yourself alone in the bathroom, do your business and do it quick. If someone walks in when you were just about to go, sit in silence until they leave. They'll never know who you are unless they wait outside the bathroom for you. And that's just creepy.
Tip #4: Bring some extra support
The key to a successful #2 is to be fast. If you ever need some extra support to get you in and out, bring a to-go pack of Charmin Freshmates. Especially if the office bathroom isn’t stocked with Charmin. *shudders*
Tip #5: Time your flushes
The good news about pooping at work is that a flush is louder than a plop. When it’s about that time, all you have to do is flush, do your business, relax, flush again, and go wash your hands.
If you’re not feeling the flush, there is another way to avoid embarrassing sounds. Line the toilet bowl with toilet paper and poop away!
As well as tips for how to poop at work, here are some bathroom rules everyone should follow for going #1 and #2.
1. Avoid making eye contact, and please, no small talk.
2. If there is no TP in the stall, warn the next occupant and go get some Charmin.
3. Try not to make phone calls, and only #TweetFromTheSeat.
4. Remember that you’re not the only one who wants to poop in peace. Make sure you do your business in a timely manner and not spend too much time at the mirror.
Pooping at work can be tough, but the most important thing to always keep in mind is that everyone poops. Even Steve. You know, from billing.